My kids were close to our friend Will, who died this past weekend.  He was young and interesting - he made art that my son found fascinating.  My son and Will both shared a renaissance sort of mind - the kind where you think about art, beauty and science simulteanously.  It is fair to say that my son looked up to him a great deal.  So, my husband and I weren’t sure how to deal with this.  How do we tell a six year old that someone who is not old or sick has died?  We both, initially, thought that we shouldn’t tell him at all.  Of course, he could tell something was wrong with the both of us - we have been walking around either in a zombie like state or sobbing our eyes out for the last three days.  And, aside from him noticing our emotions, it wouldn’t be fair for him to be left in the dark and thinking that he would see this wonderful man agian one day (when we would go to art openings, my son would seek Will out).  So what to do:

Your child’s capacity to understand death - and your approach to discussing it - will vary according to your child’s age. Each child is unique, but here are some rough guidelines to keep in mind.

Until kids are about 5 or 6 years old, their view of the world is very literal. So it’s a good idea to explain the death in terms that are basic and concrete. If the person was ill or elderly, for example, you might explain that the person’s body wasn’t working anymore and the doctors couldn’t fix it. If the person dies suddenly, like in an accident, you might explain what happened - that because of this very sad event, the person’s body stopped working. You may have to explain that “dying” or “dead” means that the body stopped working.

Kids this young often have a hard time understanding that all people and living things eventually die, and that once a person dies, it’s final and that person isn’t coming back. So even after you’ve gone through this explanation, your child may continue to ask where the person is or when the person is returning. As frustrating as this may be for you, continue to calmly reiterate, in concrete terms, that the person has died and can’t come back, and that your child won’t be seeing him or her again.

This article has offered us alot of insight as to how my son might be interpreting all of this.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 7th, 2006 at 9:37 am and is filed under Communication, Grief and Loss. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.