Ok.. umm. So.. It Goes a Little Like This..

by Lisa Donovan

Holy BU-jeeeeeebus!!!!!  Last night as I tucked my formerly innocent, tender faced six year old into his bed to dream about knights and horses and fast cars and things that have nothing (nothing!) to do with sex (right??) he popped the question.  My head is still spinning from the incident - an incident, quite, frankly, that I was no where NEAR prepared for.

Kid:  “Gosh, I’m so glad that I am not a girl.  Having to go the hospital and get needles poked in your arm and back to have a baby looks like it stinks”

note:  unlike most of my friends and east nashville mothers-in-arms, I happily had both my children with lots and lots of drugs.  Though, I can tell you that I tried to be all natural and made it until I was trying, desperately, to rip my husband’s face off and nearly succeeded in sinking my nails into his forearm.  He still has scars. and nightmares.

Me:  “Well, not all mommies have needles and go to a hospital.  But, it does hurt and it isn’t really any fun.. At all.  But we get beautiful children that we get to love and… blah blah blah”  (you can picture the rest, right?).

Kid:  “Soooooo, does the guy have to be put in the hospital to - uh- get the seed out?  Or, wait, so how does that work exactly?”

This was the point in which I shoved my fingers in my ears and starting singing “mary had a little lamb” to wash out the filth (utter filth!) that was coming (no pun, sorry) out of my son’s mouth………”how does it work exactly??”…. I can’t go into exactly…….. there will be no “exactly” here.. stop.. no more questions…. who put this garbage into your head!?!?

Me (calmly and angelically):  “Well, ummmm, see, it’s kinda like, well, you know, it goes in and that’s all - do you understand now??”

Kid:  “what are you talking about? I want to know how a boy gets his seed to a girl’s belly and how it comes out of him.  Do they have to go to the bathroom and take off their clothes to do it?”

Me: “The bathroom is only for when you have guests who are using your bedroom - wait, I mean - no, not necesarrily..”

Kid: ” So, then how does it work?  Does he put something up her butt??”

WHAT??? WHAT WHAT WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Me: “Woah.. No. No.  No..  Ok.  Look.  It is a very special thing that mommies and daddies do when they decide they want to have a baby.  The daddy puts his penis in the mommy (wince) and his seed goes into her belly to make a baby.”

Kid:  “But WHERE mom?  Which hole?  Her ear? Her nose??  Her mouth?”

Alright, I’m thinking, which perverted kid brought the russian porn to school?  I swear it must have been the doctor’s kid.. they ALWAYS have weird sex books and videos.. damn it!

Me: “Women have a special hole made just for a seed to be put in”

Kid: ”Does it hurt?  I bet it hurts and you hate it when daddy does it to you”

There was no stopping John Mellancamp’s “Hurts so good” from immediately popping into my head. 

Me:  “You’ll understand one day, Joseph.  But, no.  It doesn’t hurt and it is a special, fun thing that mommies and daddies share.”

What the hell.. Did I just say fun?  I did.  I just told my six year old that sex is fun.. Idiot. idiot.. idiot…..

It went on like this for at least another five minutes.  I could tell he smelled the fear and sheer terror in me and he loved every minute of it.  Why did I not see this coming? 

After I satiated his urge to know everything sexual, I tucked him in again - feeling like a totally insufficiant mother.  He seemed content, though - I am not sure if it was because he got his questions answered or if it was because he made his mother squirm unlike she has ever squirmed before..

Regardless, I kissed him goodnight, rubbed our noses together and started humming a lullabye to get him so sleep…. “sometimes love don’t feel like it should.. you make it.. hurt so good…”



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This entry was posted on Thursday, October 5th, 2006 at 9:38 am and is filed under Sex. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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