Archive for the 'Humor' Category

Mutant Turkey

In my defense, I’ve never actually cooked a turkey. Sure I’ve seen them done, I’m no stranger to the kitchen during Thanksgiving preparation, but I’ve never had to do it on my own. That is, until last year.

I have no idea what possessed me to blurt out, “I’ll cook this year,” when the family gathered around the table to strategize the holiday. I should’ve clued in it wasn’t as easy as I thought when there was a large collective sigh of relief and everyone readily agreed it was a wonderful idea. Instead, I was too busy imagining the glory of everyone telling me what a fabulous cook I was and how it was the best turkey they’d ever eaten. I began researching turkey recipes immediately, until I found “the one”. This recipe guaranteed your family would rave and insist you make it every year.

I was confident as I selected a meat thermometer for dummies, no pop-up timers for this girl, and the perfect turkey, a beautifully wrapped twenty pound behemoth. I’d done the math and decided that for six people a twenty pound bird was a must. I’d even talked turkey with a woman in line at the checkout, giving her pointers on what she should do.

The night before Thanksgiving, still dreaming of greatness, I prepared a brine to soak my fully-thawed turkey in overnight. I felt like a gourmet chef as I’d never seen my mother brine her dried out old turkeys. Everything I’d read promised that the salt/sugar solution would ensure the bird stayed tender, moist, and melt off the bone. I even remembered to take out the neck and giblets, I’d done a lot of turkey prep reading, and submerged the bird overnight.
The morning of, I rinsed the turkey thoroughly and stuffed the cavity with apples and onions, something else I’d never seen Mom do but the recipe called for it and after all it’d come with a guarantee. I inserted the thermometer into the thigh as directed, put the turkey in a cooking bag, and placed it in the oven — setting the timer for three hours per the directions.

The timer buzzed and I checked the thermometer. It showed the right temperature so I took out the turkey and it was a delicious golden brown. I mentally patted myself on the back as I cut into the bird and I swear it gobbled. It wasn’t done. No big deal, it happens, right? I put the bird back in the bag, reinserted the thermometer, and put it back in the oven for another hour.

My family waited with anticipation for the timer to go off. An hour later, the thermometer indicated it was again 180 degrees so I pulled it out and cut into the thigh meat. It gobbled again in protest, still raw. Back in. Back out. Still raw.

We played this game a little more, and then I sliced off some of the more done parts and nuked them in the microwave as the side dishes were getting cold and Three-feet-of-fun was starving. I put the turkey back in the bag, didn’t bother with the thermometer this time, it was obviously defective, and flung it back in the oven.
It baked while we ate, while we did the dishes, and while we ate pie. I took it out of the oven again and cut into it. Still raw, still gobbling. Fed up, I put it back in the oven and turned the temperature down. I told my husband to make sure it didn’t catch on fire and I went out shopping. My husband forgot about it and when I got back four hours later, I pulled it out of the oven and cut into it again. I couldn’t believe it, it was still raw.

I ended up baking that mutant turkey the rest of the day and night and it never did get completely cooked. My dreams were shattered. Maybe I’ll start cooking it on Halloween next year. That is if the family lets me.

Posted in Cooking, Holidays, Humor | No Comments »

And the Battle Wages On

As a mother of a three-year-old who likes to go to the movies, I have a rant. My husband and I took Three-feet-of-fun to see Pixar’s new movie, Wall-E. My rant isn’t about the film, which was excellent by the way, but rather the amount of time it took for the movie to actually start.

If you’ve followed this blog at all, you’ll see that I’d cracked the code on taking our son to the movies. This movie blew the code out of the water. Luckily for us, Three-feet was so excited about seeing the movie, and is closer to four years old as opposed to three, he was able to weather the kink in our otherwise perfect plans.

The movie was supposed to start at 11:20 am. True to our schedule we found our seats at 11:15 and then we did the last potty break before the movie started. We were back in our seats at 11:19. Precisely at 11:20 the screen came alive with film but to our surprise the lights didn’t go down. They called it Children’s Play Time or something equally vague and started showing children’s previews and commercials. They rolled this for TWENTY MINUTES! Then the lights finally went down and then began the REAL PREVIEWS.

The movie didn’t start until NOON!!! Three-feet-of-fun was such a trooper he sat patiently through all the other stuff for the movie to start and was able to sit for the entirety of Wall-E, which by the way, was excellent. Other parents were not so lucky and several had to escort their screaming and impatient children out of the theater while others whispered frantically that the movie was going to start any second — it would be just a moment longer.

So I’m needless to say, miffed. I had broken the code. It had worked perfectly for only, let’s count them, two movies and now I’m back at square one. I have no idea what the “genius” who invented the FORTY MINUTE trailers into an actual children’s movie was thinking. Obviously said idiot doesn’t actually have a child of their own.

Posted in Uncategorized, Humor | No Comments »

My Personal Trainers

I resolved to lose weight at the beginning of the year. Thanks to my children, I am well on my way.

You may wonder how a few children can help their mother in her pursuit of a svelte figure. Easy! Each time I make a plate or decide to have a snack, three little heads turn in my direction, six hands are held out, and three little mouths eat or drink most of whatever I have in my hand or on my plate.

Not only this, but chasing them through the house does wonders for my exercise routine. I lift, bend, twist and stretch muscles that I never knew existed. My behind is on the path to rival even the tightest muscled fitness guru. Thanks to these little personal trainers, my husband thinks my legs are the sexiest ever.

That’s right. Mommy is becoming the hottie she was before these munchkins caused the pregnancy weight gains.

Lift your laundry baskets in salute of the hottie mommies all over the world, because we might not be able to afford Oprah’s personal trainer, but we have made our own. Viva toddlers!

Posted in Uncategorized, Weight Management, Humor | 1 Comment »

Holiday Productivity (or non-productivity)

How many times have you made plans in the evening, right before going to bed only to find the next day that everything you plan to do has gone *POOF*? During the holiday season this happens more often. I notice that my plans go awry almost from the time I wake. Breakfast slows down because the kids need this and that, baby decides to wash his hair with syrup, big sister un-decorates the tree. These minor mishaps through the rest of the morning into a down spiral.

I don’t post too often about my writing here or my own experiences at home. But, today seemed to be the perfect idea for a post to share with you. If you are a mom or dad who works at home, or maybe you work outside of the home only to come home and have your plans go falling apart worse than Aunt Mary’s crumbly cakes, then this is your post.

I try. I promise you, I try to get things done. Just don’t take a peek into my laundry room or my kitchen right now. The bedrooms? Forget about it. My productivity levels have dropped to an all time low. It’s not that I have much more work than normal. I think it is the lack of support that we who work to support our families get from the same family.

Have you ever sat down to your computer only to have a little one pop up beside you asking for a snack? You just fed her, but suddenly she has the capacity for food of a beluga whale. Or maybe you have just come home from work and everyone wants to go shopping. Can’t a person have a break? Can’t your partner handle the shopping for one night or hold off on the need to go out for one more day?

If you are a home worker, most of the time everyone thinks you are sitting in front of the computer, knocking back the wine while nibbling bon bons. Heck, even my husband seems to think that writing is no big deal. So I have eight articles that need to be 1,000 words done in three days, that doesn’t get his boxers washed, now does it? If only they made self washing-drying-folding-putting away clothing. I’d be in heaven! Oh, and what about self washing dishes? Euphoria. If my house could sustain itself while I work, it would be a dream. I thought we were supposed to be living like the Jetsons nowadays, anyway.

Here are some things that might help your productivity levels rise. Well, only if you aren’t like me and forget to put the tips into motion.

1. Forget what mom told you about separating your laundry. Try doing it more simply. Keep whites separate, but wash everything else in one big lump. If you are worried about reds running onto other colors, just throw reds and blacks into the same load. If this doesn’t work for you, find a laundry that does your clothing for you. Load them into your vehicle, drop them off, forget them until it’s time to go get’em.

2. The vacuum is your friend. Just pick up everything that is too large to go into the thing and vacuum the whole house. Forget dropping it for a broom. That wastes time. If your dog or cat sheds badly, grab them and take care of the excess hair while you are cleaning the floors. Voila, two birds with one big whirring rock.

3. Enlist help. Even the smallest kids can help you get things done. Give older children a bag and the directions to “pick up all that junk you put there?. Usually they’ll get confused, so gently point them in the right direction. Motivate them into helping, only if you meet resistance, by holding a favorite toy hostage. A squirt gun to the head of a favorite doll is an amazing motivator.

5. Don’t put off today what you will have to do tomorrow. If something really needs to be done, go on and do it. Waiting will make it worse. If you need proof, come look at my kitchen. Bring pepper spray.

So now you have a short list of tips that may help you. Understanding the mechanics of your home will also help. Understand that no matter what you do, sometime tomorrow the mess will come back. If you are sneaky and attack after the kids are asleep, you are more likely to have a clean home for most of the next day. Unless your kids stay at home all day, if that is the case, then I suggest getting a dog to clean crumbs they leave behind and a snow shovel to pick up toys in the quickest manner. At least you will have a few extra minutes here and there to devote to work, holiday decorating, or holiday cooking.

Posted in Parenting, Daily Living, Holidays, Writing, Humor | 3 Comments »

            



Google