Building Moral Intelligence
By: Michele Borba Ed.D.
Reviewed By: Jon Henshaw, M.A.
Some of the toughest problems parents must deal with happen right on the school playground where teasing, bullying and mean-spirited kids about. There seems to be an epidemic of mean-acting acts these days. In fact, the National Education Association estimates that 160,000 children skip school every day because they fear being attacked or intimidated by other students. While we can’t prevent the pain insults cause, we can lessen our kids’ chances of becoming victims -- and even better, we can mitigate the effects of teasing and bullying on our children.
Shedding new insights on this childhood problem and hundreds more is child expert and author Dr. Michele Borba, an internationally recognized consultant in strengthening children’s self-esteem, achievement, and character. In her new book, Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essential Virtues that Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing, Borba uses her extensive background in child development and her 20 plus years of training and research to provide something parents and teachers have been looking for--effective parenting strategies that teach our children the traits of solid character, greatly increasing their chances of a successful and fulfilled life. We constantly hear the old saying, “There isn’t a book that tells you how to raise kind, moral children.” Well, thanks to Dr. Borba, there is now.
What can you do if your child becomes the target of a bully? Borba says the best thing to do is to teach them how to deal with their tormentors. Doing so will also show them there are ways to resolve conflicts without losing face or resorting to violence as well as boosting their confidence. The next time your child is upset from teasing, here’s what you should do:
- Listen and gather facts. The first step is often the hardest for parents: listen to your child’s entire story without interrupting. Your goal is to try to figure to out what happened, who was involved, where and when the teasing took place, and why your child was teased. Unfortunately, teasing is a part of growing up, but some kids seem to get more than their fair share of insults.
- Teach a bully-proofing strategy. What may work with one child may not with another, so it’s best to discuss a range of options and then choose the one or two your child feels most comfortable with. Here are five of the most successful strategies experts say help kids defend themselves:
- Assert yourself. Teach your child to face the bully standing tall and using a strong voice. Then name the bullying behavior and tell him to stop doing it: “That’s teasing. Stop it,” or “Stop making fun of me. It’s mean. Cut it out.”
- Question the response. Respond to an insult with a non defensive question: “Why would you say that?” or “Why would you want to tell me I am dumb (or fat) and hurt my feeling?”
- Use “I want.” Teach your child to address the bully beginning with “I” and then say the problem and what she wants to happen, i.e. “I want you to leave me alone,” or “I want you to stop teasing me.”
- Agree with the teaser. Consider helping your child create a statement agreeing with the teaser. Teaser: “You’re dumb.” Child: “Yeah, but I’m good at it.” or Teaser: “Hey, four eyes.” child: “You’re right, my eyesight is poor.”
- Ignore it. Bullies love it when their teasing upsets their victims, so help your child find a way to not let their tormentor get to them.
- Rehearse the strategy with your child. Once you choose a technique, rehearse it so your child is comfortable trying it. The trick is for your child to practice it, so he can deliver it assuredly to the bully. Explain that though he has the right to feel angry, it’s not okay to let it get out of control. Besides, anger just fuels the bully. Try the CALM approach with your child:
- Cool down. When you confront the bully stay calm and in control. Don’t let him think he’s getting to you. If you need to calm down, count to 20 slowly inside your head or say to yourself, “chill out.”
- Assert yourself. Try the strategy with the bully just like you practiced.
- Look at the teaser straight in the eye. Appear confident, hold your head high and stand tall.
- Mean it! Use a firm, strong voice. Say what you feel but don’t be insulting, threaten or tease back.
Common Mistakes Parents Make About Bullying
- Not taking children’s bullying complaints seriously--your child could be hurt.
- Telling the child, “Just tell him to stop.” Bullies rarely just go away; kids need to learn ways to deal with them to stop their abuse.
- Advising kids to hit back. Aggression amongst kids can escalate quickly over very minor issues, and too many kids at every level are carrying weapons.
Borba’s book covers this and literally thousands of other ideas, stories, techniques, tips, and parenting strategies to help build strength of character in your child. Whether it’s a teasing classmate or an overly sensitive and shy child, Borba’s practical, step-by-step advice will help you along the parenting path--making your child competent, responsible and confident.
About the author: Michele Borba, Ed.D., is the author of many educational publications, including Self-Esteem: A Classroom Affair (more than 134,000 copies sold) and Parents Do Make A Difference which was selected as an "outstanding parenting book of the year" by Child Magazine. A former classroom teacher, she has presented keynotes and training programs to over half a million participants throughout the world and is a frequent guest on radio and television talk shows including The View, ABC Home Show, and Fox Channel's The Parent Table. Visit www.moralintelligence.com