Hidden Messages
By: Elizabeth Pantley
Reviewed By: Jon Henshaw, M.A.
In Hidden Messages: What Our Words and Actions Are Really Telling Our Children, Elizabeth Pantley (author of Perfect Parenting) permeates essential parenting lessons through thoughtful and interesting real-life experiences. The stories have been developed from the countless number of parents that Pantley has worked with through her parent education groups.
Perhaps, one of the most enlightening moments in the book is found early in the Introduction. Pantley states:
"It’s important that we take the job of parenting seriously – seriously enough not to follow the easy road, seriously enough to consciously examine how we parent our children, seriously enough to change when necessary. A thoughtful, organized, calm approach – in which we slow down enough to identify our mistakes, and make adjustments to correct them – will keep us all from careening uncontrollably off the shoulder."
Hidden Messages is a testament to this philosophy. Pantley, with her unique format, teaches parents by using their own familiar stories. After each story, she discusses the hidden messages that exist within parent-child interactions. She continues by asking the reader to think further about certain themes, and concludes each story by offering suggestions for positive change.
The book focuses on eight main messages:
- Responsibility and Independence
- Thoughtfulness and Kindness
- Annoyance and Anger
- Relationships
- Discipline and Behavior
- Listening, Caring, and Love
- Time and Priorities
- Parenting Styles
One story that caught my attention was “You Two!,” found in the “Messages about Annoyance and Anger” chapter. This was a story about an exhausted mother trying to keep up with her two sons who were constantly fighting. At the end of the story the mother is quoted as saying:
“I don’t know what is the matter with you two. You fight constantly, and you never even try to get along. It seems as if you can’t play together for even a minute! I just don’t know what to do anymore. Maybe you should just stay away from each other.”
I was convinced after reading this story that Elizabeth Pantley had conferred with my mother before writing it. My only wish after reading her comments (about the hidden messages, things to think about, and changes parents can make) was that my mom could have read them while I was still a child fighting everyday with my older brother.
Although the stories in this book are numerous and more than adequate, I would have personally liked to have seen a story concerning drugs and alcohol. The way parents handle smoking and drinking in the home does affect how children view those behaviors for themselves. Albeit extreme for most American families, I grew up in a home without smoking and without any alcohol. I didn’t know how abnormal this was until I was in my teens and started noticing how my friends lived. Yet, I still attribute my disinterest in alcohol use and smoking to the examples, and hidden messages, my parents gave me while growing up.
Overall, Hidden Messages offers parents advice on a level that they can easily relate to. Using parents’ own experiences, Pantley successfully weaves instructional with engaging. Parents will enjoy this book for it’s easy to read format, and will be thankful for the down-to-earth and practical suggestions that she provides.