{"id":427,"date":"2006-10-05T09:38:16","date_gmt":"2006-10-05T15:38:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.familyresource.com\/blog\/?p=427"},"modified":"2006-10-05T09:46:10","modified_gmt":"2006-10-05T15:46:10","slug":"ok-umm-so-it-goes-a-little-like-this","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.familyresource.com\/blog\/2006\/10\/05\/ok-umm-so-it-goes-a-little-like-this\/","title":{"rendered":"Ok.. umm. So.. It Goes a Little Like This.."},"content":{"rendered":"

Holy BU-jeeeeeebus!!!!!\u00a0 Last night as I tucked my formerly<\/em> innocent, tender faced six year old into his bed to dream about knights and horses and fast cars and things that have nothing (nothing!) to do with sex (right??) he popped the question.\u00a0 My head is still spinning from the incident – an incident, quite, frankly, that I was no where NEAR prepared for.<\/p>\n

Kid:<\/strong>\u00a0 “Gosh, I’m so glad that I am not a girl.\u00a0 Having to go the hospital and get needles poked in your arm and back to have a baby looks like it stinks”<\/p>\n

note:\u00a0 unlike most of my friends and east nashville mothers-in-arms, I happily had both my children with lots and lots of drugs.\u00a0 Though, I can tell you that I tried to be all natural and made it until I was trying, desperately, to rip my husband’s face off and nearly succeeded in sinking my nails into his forearm.\u00a0 He still has scars. and nightmares.<\/em><\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong>\u00a0 “Well, not all mommies have needles and go to a hospital.\u00a0 But, it does hurt and it isn’t really any fun.. At all.\u00a0 But we get beautiful children that we get to love and… blah blah blah”\u00a0 (you can picture the rest, right?).<\/p>\n

Kid:<\/strong>\u00a0 “Soooooo, does the guy have to be put in the hospital to – uh- get the seed out?\u00a0 Or, wait, so how does that work exactly?”<\/p>\n

This was the point in which I shoved my fingers in my ears and starting singing “mary had a little lamb” to wash out the filth (utter filth!) that was coming (no pun, sorry) out of my son’s mouth………”how does it work exactly??”…. I can’t go into exactly…….. there will be no “exactly” here.. stop.. no more questions…. who put this garbage into your head!?!?<\/p>\n

Me (calmly and angelically<\/em>):<\/strong>\u00a0 “Well, ummmm, see, it’s kinda like, well, you know, it goes in and that’s\u00a0all\u00a0– do you understand now??”<\/p>\n

Kid:<\/strong>\u00a0 “what are you talking about? I want to know how a boy gets his seed to a girl’s belly and how it comes out of him.\u00a0 Do they have to go to the bathroom and take off their clothes to do it?”<\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong> “The bathroom is only for when you have\u00a0guests who\u00a0are using your bedroom – wait, I mean – no, not necesarrily..”<\/p>\n

Kid:<\/strong> ” So, then how does it work?\u00a0 Does he put something up her butt??”<\/p>\n

WHAT??? WHAT WHAT WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!<\/em><\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong> “Woah.. No. No.\u00a0 No..\u00a0 Ok.\u00a0 Look.\u00a0 It is a very special thing that mommies and daddies do when they decide they want to have a baby.\u00a0 The daddy puts his penis in the mommy (wince) and his seed goes into her belly to make a baby.”<\/p>\n

Kid:<\/strong>\u00a0 “But WHERE mom?\u00a0 Which hole?\u00a0 Her ear? Her nose??\u00a0 Her mouth?”<\/p>\n

Alright, I’m thinking, which perverted kid brought the russian porn to school?\u00a0 I swear it must have been the doctor’s kid.. they ALWAYS have weird sex books and videos.. damn it!<\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong> “Women have a special hole made just for a seed to be put in”<\/p>\n

Kid:<\/strong>\u00a0“Does it hurt?\u00a0 I bet it hurts and you hate it when daddy does it to you”<\/p>\n

There was no stopping John Mellancamp’s “Hurts so good” from immediately popping into my head.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong>\u00a0 “You’ll understand one day, Joseph.\u00a0 But, no.\u00a0 It doesn’t hurt and it is a special, fun thing that mommies and daddies share.”<\/p>\n

What the hell.. Did I just say fun?\u00a0 I did.\u00a0 I just told my six year old that sex is fun.. Idiot. idiot.. idiot…..<\/p>\n

It went on like this for at least another five minutes.\u00a0 I could tell he smelled the fear and sheer terror in me and he loved every minute of it.\u00a0 Why did I not see this coming?\u00a0<\/p>\n

After I satiated his urge to know everything sexual, I tucked him in again – feeling like a totally insufficiant mother.\u00a0 He seemed content, though – I am not sure if it was because he got his questions answered or if it was because he made his mother squirm unlike she has ever squirmed before..<\/p>\n

Regardless, I kissed him goodnight, rubbed our noses together and started humming a lullabye to get\u00a0him so sleep…. “sometimes love don’t feel like it should.. you make it.. hurt so good…”<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Holy BU-jeeeeeebus!!!!!\u00a0 Last night as I tucked my formerly innocent, tender faced six year old into his bed to dream about knights and horses and fast cars and things that have nothing (nothing!) to…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[19],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-427","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sex"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.familyresource.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/427","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.familyresource.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.familyresource.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.familyresource.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.familyresource.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=427"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.familyresource.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/427\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.familyresource.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=427"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.familyresource.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=427"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.familyresource.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=427"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}