In my defense, I\u2019ve never actually cooked a turkey. Sure I\u2019ve seen them done, I\u2019m no stranger to the kitchen during Thanksgiving preparation, but I\u2019ve never had to do it on my own. That is, until last year.<\/p>\n
I have no idea what possessed me to blurt out, \u201cI\u2019ll cook this year,\u201d when the family gathered around the table to strategize the holiday. I should\u2019ve clued in it wasn\u2019t as easy as I thought when there was a large collective sigh of relief and everyone readily agreed it was a wonderful idea. Instead, I was too busy imagining the glory of everyone telling me what a fabulous cook I was and how it was the best turkey they\u2019d ever eaten. I began researching turkey recipes immediately, until I found \u201cthe one\u201d. This recipe guaranteed your family would rave and insist you make it every year. <\/p>\n
I was confident as I selected a meat thermometer for dummies, no pop-up timers for this girl, and the perfect turkey, a beautifully wrapped twenty pound behemoth. I\u2019d done the math and decided that for six people a twenty pound bird was a must. I\u2019d even talked turkey with a woman in line at the checkout, giving her pointers on what she should do.<\/p>\n
The night before Thanksgiving, still dreaming of greatness, I prepared a brine to soak my fully-thawed turkey in overnight. I felt like a gourmet chef as I\u2019d never seen my mother brine her dried out old turkeys. Everything I\u2019d read promised that the salt\/sugar solution would ensure the bird stayed tender, moist, and melt off the bone. I even remembered to take out the neck and giblets, I\u2019d done a lot of turkey prep reading, and submerged the bird overnight.
\nThe morning of, I rinsed the turkey thoroughly and stuffed the cavity with apples and onions, something else I\u2019d never seen Mom do but the recipe called for it and after all it\u2019d come with a guarantee. I inserted the thermometer into the thigh as directed, put the turkey in a cooking bag, and placed it in the oven — setting the timer for three hours per the directions. <\/p>\n
The timer buzzed and I checked the thermometer. It showed the right temperature so I took out the turkey and it was a delicious golden brown. I mentally patted myself on the back as I cut into the bird and I swear it gobbled. It wasn\u2019t done. No big deal, it happens, right? I put the bird back in the bag, reinserted the thermometer, and put it back in the oven for another hour.<\/p>\n
My family waited with anticipation for the timer to go off. An hour later, the thermometer indicated it was again 180 degrees so I pulled it out and cut into the thigh meat. It gobbled again in protest, still raw. Back in. Back out. Still raw. <\/p>\n
We played this game a little more, and then I sliced off some of the more done parts and nuked them in the microwave as the side dishes were getting cold and Three-feet-of-fun was starving. I put the turkey back in the bag, didn\u2019t bother with the thermometer this time, it was obviously defective, and flung it back in the oven.
\nIt baked while we ate, while we did the dishes, and while we ate pie. I took it out of the oven again and cut into it. Still raw, still gobbling. Fed up, I put it back in the oven and turned the temperature down. I told my husband to make sure it didn\u2019t catch on fire and I went out shopping. My husband forgot about it and when I got back four hours later, I pulled it out of the oven and cut into it again. I couldn\u2019t believe it, it was still raw.<\/p>\n
I ended up baking that mutant turkey the rest of the day and night and it never did get completely cooked. My dreams were shattered. Maybe I\u2019ll start cooking it on Halloween next year. That is<\/em> if the family lets me.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" In my defense, I\u2019ve never actually cooked a turkey. Sure I\u2019ve seen them done, I\u2019m no stranger to the kitchen during Thanksgiving preparation, but I\u2019ve never had to do it on my own. That…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":10,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[58,61,115],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-637","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-cooking","category-holidays","category-humor"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.familyresource.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/637","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.familyresource.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.familyresource.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.familyresource.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/10"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.familyresource.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=637"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.familyresource.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/637\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.familyresource.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=637"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.familyresource.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=637"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.familyresource.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=637"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}