Mother-Daughter Relations: Part Deux

I found an interesting article encapsulating a section of this book:  You’re Wearing That?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation. 

It delves into the language and interpretation of the mother-daughter bond – how things are said and how things are heard. Just in the small excerpt we see how the author, Deborah Tannene, wrangles the most delicate issues – the small, seemingly insignificant, things that get so misunderstood and rearranged in this most fundamental of relationships.

There is yet another reason that a small comment or suggestion can grate: It can come across as a vote of no confidence. This is annoying coming from anyone, but it’s especially hurtful when it comes from the person whose opinion counts most—your mother. Unaccountable as this may seem to mothers, the smallest remark can bring into focus the biggest question that hovers over nearly all conversations between mothers and daughters: Do you see me for who I am? And is who I am okay? When mothers’ comments to daughters (or, for that matter, daughters’ comments to mothers) seem to answer that question in the affirmative, it’s deeply reassuring: all’s right with the world. But when their words seem to imply that the answer is No, there’s something wrong with what you’re doing, then daughters (and, later in life, mothers) can feel the ground on which they stand begin to tremble: They start to doubt whether how they do things, and therefore who they are, really is okay.

So, as women keep searching for a balance in this ultimate of ultimates of relationships, it is good to know that we are not having isolated experiences. Not only is it common for us to simulteaneously drive one another crazy and love each other more than anyone else but it seems to be part of the nature of the relationship. It is a complex thing, this mother-daughter tradition. I think I’ll read this book – and then pass it along to my best friend Mary Ann.